Al "Museless" Muzer Mutilates Memorial

Tribute show for the late lamented writer Chris Barry at The Saint in Asbury Park

Chris Barry was a man of words. In many ways, he was a man made of words. In his headlong, lusterless Lester Bangs way, he played a kind of broken jazz with his run-on observations and digressions. But he never stopped talking, and he played his broken jazz in a way that only he could--and a way that no one else would ever dare. I knew everyone would have stories and memories of this guy who we all knew as a ceaseless commentator--a commentator who drew you up into his dream of rock music. Chris was a kind of evangelist for the individual, and I couldn't wait to hear what all these other individuals had taken away from knowing Chris.

Everyone came in their long suits and happy faces. After all, this was a rock and roll show. Dark Heart played, and really wailed some punky tunes. There was a display on a table of some snaps of Chris, and bits of stuff from his life. His cousin was there. Everyone I talked to missed him, and seemed to want to share something. That was made difficult by the sound level, which put each mourner in a bubble of noise. But it was made impossible by the noisome nonsense of Al Museless.

Al Museless ranted and chanted on as MC for the evening--trying to drum up donations for the "fight against cancer." That's all well and good I suppose. The money was being collected in the red panties of a headless manikin, and Al kept urging the audience to "stick it in there." In between bands he would drivel on, sticking the microphone into the faces of a few of his musician buddies and making vacant observations on Chris' life. "Chris got a lot of bands their first review. Whatever that's good for." The musician's all played off of Museless' inanity, and kept their remarks terse. "Chris is dead. I'll miss him, I guess."

The one individual we got to hear from was Lazlo from BlowUpRadio.com, and that was only because he was sick, couldn't attend, and had sent Museless an email with a story about Chris Barry. Introducing the email, Museless remarked that "All annunciation errors are brought to you by Jaegermeister." He then proceeded to mangle the email, which told of Lazlo's gratitude that Chris gave him his first poetry-reading gig, and then quoted a note he had gotten from Chris Barry about the sudden demise of the Broadway Central Cafe. The Broadway was a much-beloved icon of the South Amboy scene, much as Chris was a Central New Jersey fixture. In Chris' note, he bewails the Broadway's demise, and laments the very sudden nature of its passing. He then says that he'll get over it, and that Lazlo probably is already over it. He closes with his usual footnote of humility (which rings a bit false and funny after one of Chris' immensely long harangues) that this is just his "two cents' worth."

And that's what I missed hearing last night--everyone's two cents' worth. And that's Al Museless' fault. He was a rotten MC, and a bad friend to Chris now that Chris is dead.

Museless then proceeds to analyze Lazlo's note, saying, "Whatever that means. I don't know why Lays-low included that letter. Doesn't make any sense. Oh well, whatever. Stick some money in the dummy."

"Because Broadway Central and Chris Barry both left us suddenly, without warning, and now we are left grieving. You moron. Duh."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. I never was any good at guessing the answers on Jeopardy."

"They give you the answers on Jeopardy. All you need is the right question."